What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 00:46
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was scared of men, in general
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Comes on , in middle age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I waited trembling.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Would this be the day?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was seconnd youngest,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I will be 64.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was in good health!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We all went to grammer schools
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were not on the streets..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Especially a lifetime of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He resisted the act ,that day.
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I have no regrets .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i do to all so called friends.?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was 9 years of age.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It was going to be , some day.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But it wasn’t much.
He knew the spot.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She found it foreign!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .